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| i only post here when i'm mad at Erynn.
and, not to not break tradition or anything, but BOY AM I FUCKING PISSED OFF AT ERYNN!
in the last entry (which was like, months ago, i know) i said i was going to look for the email she sent D. well, i didn't find it, so i logged off her computer, vowing to try again.
so i visited her this weekend and looked again. in order to find it i did a search for my name. i not only found the emails to D, but a few other things as well.
and boy am i fucking pissed.
that girl did NOT keep her mouth shut. like, at all. seriously, she wrote down a list of who knew what and it is not pretty. there was one person who i didn't mind her telling, because she changed my name (although in my opinion Jena and Jenny are too close for comfort. couldn't she have called me something like Matilda Louise?)
but LH and TC....oh my goodness! why why why WHY did she have to tell THEM?! i could posibly forgive TC, because this was before we started meeting with D, but then ERYNN TOLD HER FUCKIN HUSBAND! (T's husband, that is) HE'S A PASTOR FOR FUCKS SAKE! SHE KNOWS I HATE/AM SCARED OF/CAN'T STAND PASTORS!
oh, and for good measure, thats not the only pastor she told (SK) the other pastor she told is not sda or is she a man. but still, SK had NO reason to know!
neither did AK, or even LH. ther are more people she told but they are not ocming to me off the top of my head.
LH and i were just starting to be friends and i wanted friends who DIDN'T know, and if they DID know, i wanted to tell them myself.
i mean, come on. if she was going to tell them about Fred, and the yellow brick road, at least she didn't have to tell them about FUCKIN CANDYLAND! (for those of you reading htis who have no clue waht i'm talking about, pm me) there was no reason to tell them about candyland. absolutely none.
she said in an email that AK told her to tell more people so they could be praying.
um, if she wanted people praying for me, she could've said, "HEy, JEnny's gong through a lot right now please pray for her." or even, "Hey, satan's really attacking JEnny hard right now, please continue to pray for her."
THATS IT! THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE FUCKIN DETAILS!
an sda would understand that and would not associate that with candyland in any way. (or at least, THESE sdas wouldn't)
I DON'T UNDERSTAND! this is my sister, my friend, i TRUSTED her. I FUCKIN TRUSTED HER! i forgave her for telling D, i even understood, especially after reading that email. but this. this is inexcusable.
this is the girl who went through EVERYTHING with me last year! she sacraficed her time and money (i helped wth gas, but i know i didn't cover it all) to drive over and help me because i couldn't go by myself. this is the girl who got down on her knees for me and prayed more than i know. this is the girl who cried when she found out i wanted to kill myself. this is the girl who--
how could she. how COULD she.
i've decided i can't trust anyone now. i believe everyone here has the url of my other non secret xanga and if you want to read that, go ahead. i might continue to vent on this site, i might not. the only person i can think of who might blab to people i care about is Erin C, becuase she goes to the same school as Erynn. i'm still debating weather i care about that or not. we'll see. for now, anyway, i am telling nobody ANYTHING.
why am i posting this entry right now? because i need to vent, and i'm hoping that people will care, but that the worng people (Erynn, LH, TC, e.t.c.) don't find this site.
actually, if erynn finds this, it wouldn't be the WORST thing in the world. then i could really let her have it. then she'd really let me have it for spying on her. then we'd both get into a nice good argument. that would be just fine with me.
weird thing is, i still love her. i knew sun. morning, and, i still hugged her. i was still very angry and upset, but i did'nt start punching every inch of her that i could reach. its so weird. i told her, "I love you. please remember that, even if i never see you again." Erynn pulls back, "whats THAT supposed to mean?"
me, realizing i've said too much, "I don't know."
i think she took that as a suicidal comment. she can take it however she likes, but thats not how i meant it. i won't correct it though. a good dose of worry would be good for her.
and if i find that anthing in this blog has gotten back to erynn without my express permission, i will track you down whoever you are and cheerfully slit your throat.
Help Me
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| the deal i made with erynn was this: i promise to wait if you promise to keep your mouth shut.
erynn didn't keep her mouth shut. (and waht good did that do me? absolutely none. but then, it didn't do me any harm, either, which is the only reason she isn't dead right now.) therefore, i do not have to wait. i can proceed with the preparations (those'll take a while. a LONG while.)
that having been said, i'm slightly mad at erynn. well, not just erynn, really, people in general. people who god considers Good Enough. people who have lives. people who are able to portray themselves as "saint erynn" or "saint Jacqueline." pissed at everyone who gets the chance for Vida Nueva that doesn't need it. mad at people for not trying. mad at people for trying but going about it the wrong way.
i am trying to tell myself i don't need friends. i mean, come on, they're just a liability. the more people know about me, the more likely they are to spill to someone. thats exactly what i DON'T need. and the more people i EXPECT to care about me, the more disappointed i actually am when they like, don't.
i want to see the email she sent dorothy. in order to do that, i need to start speaking to her again. (i sort of snapped at her like, a week ago....) then when i am in the up i will visit her and i will bring mint peanut butter fudge and we will watch the golden compass (or some other movie) and then i will sneak on her computer and read the email. despite the fact that i've done that before and erynn knows it, she leaves me alone with the computer rather a lot. only this time it'll be different; i won't read everything with my name on it. Just her email to Dorothy. and if possible, Dorothy's response, which i think was a phone call, so yeah.
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| 2 more months. i don't want to wait 2 more months! i wanna do it now. now and get it over with. so what if i promised a bunch of people i wouldn't? so fucking what?
i'm staying alive till June 21to meet the Z people.
thats what.
not that i think that most of them want to meet me: even on the Z i feel like an outsider. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!
after the appointment when erynn had driven me home,i was hugging her a lot i guess.... she usually doesn't mind..... btu she was like, "Jenny, come on, we'll keep in touch, it's not like your never going to see me again."
if i told her the truth "but erynn i haven't been hugged or emotionally cared about for so long i'm going insane please just hug me back and and and and..." does that response scream BIG STUPID BABY or what?
so i jsut started arguing with her: how do you know i'm going to see you again? you could die ina car accidento n the way back; i could follow the yellow brick road. and she's like, "you won't do that" and i'm like, "how do you know?" she said, "because we have a date. you have a date." and then drives away.
idiot. just because i made some stupid promise she thinks i can't break it? i mean, i won't, because, i want to go to florida in june and then i want to meet the z people, but, jeez. i'm so alone, even though there are always people in the house. i dn't understand why. i feel like i am dying on the inside, but god does not love me enough to let taht kill me. no, he is too much an asshole to let intense emotional pain kill me. well, 2 or 3more months, and it won't matter. he can't fire me; i'll have quit.
Help Me
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| Erynn and i have another appointment with D.
i'm trying to reach her to tell her to cancel; i don't care, anymore.
TN isn't looking like a likely possibility anymore due to complications on the Athearn's end that are beyond their control (so i'm not mad.) Hilary is trying to be subtle, but it coudln't be clearer that she does not want me to visit.
dad was going to take me and my bro on a trip to toronto, but he scewed up. i told him my break was april 7th. he interpreted taht as the first week of april.
and either way, toronto has snow. battle creek got LOADS of snow tonight. if the roads were better, i'd get in my car right now and drive to TN and live in my car till i was able to get a job.
God hates me. i feel like i'm one of those men who its raining but only on them, except instead of rain, its snow. it snows wherever i goes and god must love that because he hates me and he knows i hate snow.
Help Me
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| Erynn Gordon sent me an email. the poor thing is obviously unaware that i am not speaking to her.
normally when i'm "not speaking to" someone, it doesn't last long enough for them to figure it out.
this is different.
especially because if erynn finds out WHY i'm not speaking to her she'll just get pissed right back.
she asked how i was doing. i don't think she really wants to know. i mean, who wants to come back from nice sunny warm snow free calamityfornia and be bombarded with the woes and tribulations of a mentally unstable insanely jealous freak? no, i don't think erin WANTS an answer to that particular email. when i do start speaking to her again (it might be a while. like, till spring.) i'll just tell her i'm fine.
Hilary came really close to starting an argument the other day too; she came on msn saying how nice it was to be on break and the sun was shinning and the flowers were blooming and wasn't life just kittens and cupcakes and rainbows?!
ok, i'm being sarcastic about the cupcakes and kittens and rainbows. she wouldn't say that.
it's a good thing biting sarcastic remarks don't come across as such over msn, or she probably woudln't be speaking to me right now. as it is, we are doing good, and, i'm happy for that. the fact taht it is cloudy there and sunny here (though i'm shut up in a classroom and can't enjoy it) helps too.
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